Check yoself.

Hi.
I'm Dawnne.
We've met by now, hopefully. And if we have not, let me start off by saying that I'm a very nervous person.
This post is about what I refer to as my psychological struggle and how I've dealt with it over the years. I'm dedicating this post to my friend who is currently going through something similar, and who I sincerely hope will benefit from learning about this the way I have.

I've been dealing with depression for nearly a decade now. A long time. Especially when you consider I'm not even 18 yet (2 months, people). When I was in elementary school, of course, I didn't understand that I was experiencing depression; I simply thought it was in my personality to be quieter and more secluded from the rest of children my age. I didn't have many friends growing up--none that really stuck with me for a while, anyway. I was simply never a popular person, and I think that's okay.
Regardless of my popularity, I always struggled with self-esteem. I never thought I was especially pretty, or incredibly smart, and that I was slightly weird. Later I realized that it wasn't exactly that I wasn't pretty or smart, it was that other people were prettier and smarter. That was probably the first time that I realized my biggest fear in life: not being good enough.
Today I finished public school forever. No going back. I'm probably never going to see half of them again. Which is good, in my opinion. Maybe I'll finally stop comparing myself to them.
The depression I experience comes in waves. I'll be fine for months on end, without experiencing hardly any negative emotions, but then dive into a very bad, dark place in which I contemplate suicide and wish to die...and that can go on for just as long. The thing about my depressions is that I pretend they don't exist. I don't want people to know how badly I'm hurting, because then they'll feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for me? Fuck, I don't want pity. I want help.

The anxiety problems didn't come in until about 2 years ago. It started with something simple: balancing work and school. This was the first year when I had a part-time job along with going to school. I handled this surprisingly well. I experienced hardly any trouble. In fact, I was surprised by myself.
And then it hit me. Suddenly I was paranoid and worried about everything. I thought one small thing would lead to eventual devastation. It didn't take long before these kinds of thoughts infiltrated every square inch of my mind. I started doing things out of fear instead of doing them out of habit. I hate change. I can't stand it when something is different from the way I got used to it.
This is about the time that I started into psychology. I studied GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) as a class project, and realized how shockingly alike I was to this disorder. In fact, to this day, the only symptoms I do not experience on an almost-daily basis are the eating and sleeping habits. Before this time, I had never considered that I might be an anxious person. I knew I had problems with depression, but I knew those were different things.
Later, I noticed I also experience several obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Not all of them, like with GAD, but OCD was also likely for me.

With all of this going on inside my head, it drove me to eventual insanity. I practically begged my mom to take me to a psychiatrist so I could be evaluated by a professional, but each time it was always the same thing: "You're just being a teenager, everyone goes through this." "Are you on your period? It's probably your hormones." "I worry about things, too, you know. It's part of growing up." "You have it so much better than a lot of other people. What could you be so upset about?" (this one pissed me off the most)
And eventually I got this: "The insurance won't pay for a psychiatrist, anyway."
That really struck something with me. It hurt. Unbelievably bad. My mom cared more about money than she did my mental health.
I got so sick of being misunderstood and so tired of my mom trivializing what I was feeling, and how she made it all seem like it wasn't real or that it was normal...I knew it wasn't normal. It can't be. Regardless, I plunged into a frightening depression in which I attempted to kill myself, but failed. I was quiet for a while and didn't mention it to anyone, even though there was one person who I was sure knew about it. He never said anything, though. I'm sure he was never even worried, like he thought I was joking or that I wouldn't actually do it (watch me try). The fact that no one knew I was hurting, or cared that I had tried to kill myself only made me feel worse, if that was possible.
I don't know what it was that finally brought me out of that depression, but whatever it was, I'm glad it happened. Who knows what might've happened if I didn't get better. I might have attempted suicide again and perhaps succeeded this time.

After recovering, I realized that my anxiety and depression are something that's just simply part of my life, regardless of what caused it or why I have it. Even if I "cure" it, it won't go away completely and forever. I think this realization really helped me take a big step to recovery. Acceptance. I accepted that it exists. And because of that, I feel like I'm resisting it less, causing less of a strain.
For anyone who believes they are suffering from a mental disorder such as anxiety or depression, I encourage you to consider how much it impacts your life. After that, understand that this might be a permanent condition that might go away for a while and come back sometimes. It's not what attention-starved 13-year-olds on the internet glorify it to be. It's not fun. It's not a game. It's just...pain, in every sense of the word. I don't understand why some people go around bragging about it. By doing that, those people are only trivializing the suffering of people who really are hurting, and it's making it hard for those people to get the help they need. However, I do think that every suicide threat should be taken seriously.

Since I am unable to seek treatment from a psychiatrist at the moment, I'm left with self-diagnosis and self-therapy. It's really the only effort I can make to help myself get better. And honestly, I believe it's working. At least a little bit.
Many people dismiss self-diagnosis and self-therapy as laughable things that don't work. This is because often times, people self-diagnose incorrectly and then somehow end up causing a problem about it. But when done in a proper way, self-diagnosis is actually a really helpful tool, especially when one finally gets the chance to speak to a professional: the patient can simply say "I believe I'm dealing with ____" and the professional can have a springboard of where to start.

As for self-therapy, I know it might seem silly to some people, but I believe that my hobbies, particularly writing and knitting, are really helping to relieve my anxiety in a healthier, more productive way. It gives me something real to focus on, rather than imaginary fears that most likely will not happen.
I've started doing breathing exercises, and they've started working for me when I'm in an especially panicked mood.
I've been advised by someone with a psych degree to also study meditation and certain Buddhist philosophies, which I will certainly do when I have the time.

All in all, the whole self-help concept is really helpful for those who feel like they're trapped with no means of getting better on their own. Self-help is also the number-one remedy for anxiety disorders, anyway, even if you do get help from a psychologist/psychiatrist. :P
Why is that? Because anxiety almost always relates to the way you view and interpret things. This is something that only you can truly understand, and therefore only you can really be the cure for yourself.

I hope I've been motivational and perhaps even inspirational to those out there who might be hurting without speaking a word. Please consider these things, even if for a second. I wish the best of luck to all of those anonymous eyes behind the screens reading this post.

Tell me what you know.

Would you still love me
if I didn't breathe?
As you drag these heavy
mechanical limbs across the
scraping tile floors in hopes
that you can find a cure

Would you still heal me
if it took my life?
This crippling cursed disease
rotting my flesh and soul from the
inside out and tearing me
away from what I once admired

Would you still chase me
if you knew it held inescapable?
Running away as fast as my
dead-weight legs can carry me and
screaming at the top of my lungs in
firm belief that someone will find me

Would you still hold me
if I never deserved it?
Please take your justified right
to flee for your life and retreat
to the ends of the Earth as
far away from me as possible

Would you still love me
if I couldn't love myself?

No Art School. Ever.

You heard me rightly.

So I kind of made the most important decision of my life. I'd been thinking about it for at least a year, but kept swirling it around my head just so I wouldn't rush to conclusions or make up my mind too quickly.

For the last three years, I've wanted to attend art school after I graduated. This will not be happening anymore. Why? I realized I want to be a Psychologist. Like, a clinical psychologist. A therapist, essentially.
I think this will work so much better for me than being an artist ever would. For one, art has a way of stressing me out. A lot of people would say this is ironic. Whatever. I just feel so pressured to work on my art, and if I don't improve, then shame on me, I am a horrible person. It used to be fun, sure, but that was when I was a retarded 14-year-old weeaboo who knew nothing about art other than pseudo-anime drawings with disgusting bodies and proportions. Now it's just "You have to keep up the good work and produce nothing but masterpieces forever." Even if I continue improving with my artwork, I will never be good enough for my own standards. It's just too much pressure. I'll collapse if I keep this up.

So I've done the research and gotten the information. I'll start applying to schools in a matter of days, and I'll put Psychology as my projected major. I realize I'll end up spending 7 years in college (along with all the financial costs of said college X_x), but I strongly believe it will be worth it for me.
Psychology has always fascinated me. Everything from dreams to drugs to Sigmund Freud (Frood). I believe I'll do more good as a therapist than I would as a graphic designer or an animator of some kind. Mental illness is something that I care very strongly about, and as a Psychologist, I would actually be making an effort to help those people who are suffering from them.

I'm truly doing it for the love of Psychology. Yes, I really am so passionate that I would dedicate my life to it.

So, unfortunately for the few who enjoy my art: My days as an artist are coming to an eventual end. I'll probably still do a little bit of art on the side, but I am no longer seeking it as a career option.

Thank you for supporting me. I appreciate every little bit of it.

Together We Can

That's the theme for a new AP Studio project.
I like the idea for this theme. I've proposed a solution or two.

The first idea is "Together we can survive."
This goes along with the idea of fighting mental illness, a subject for which I'm very passionate. I need to draw up some sketches. My idea for this is having two people sit next to each other, holding hands. Each person is scarred, bandaged, and bruised. And the other person is the only thing keeping them alive. The finished drawing would only show the hands and laps of the people sitting.

The second idea is "Together we can fly."
This is a bit more lighthearted than my first idea. Two people are standing together, facing away from the viewer, with their arms entwined, holding hands. Each person has one wing on their back, and seems to be missing the other.

Thinking about composition, I think the first idea would work better. With the second idea, I'm unsure of what I would put in the background in front of the people. I kind of want the back to be just a solid color, to allow the foreground to speak for itself. However, I think this would upset the balance. Or something.

I dunno. I like both ideas. If I don't do one for the assignment, I'll probably do the other just as a personal project.


I love being inspired. ;u; Doesn't happen very often.

Speeding Cars

I finished my enormous drawing, Speeding Cars. 23x14.5 inches (58.4x36.8 cm). Graphite (4H, HB, 2B, 4B, 6B), Strathmore paper.

I don't know how much time I spent on this thing, but it felt like for-freaking-ever. Mostly because I dislike drawing stable structures such as buildings, sidewalks, and cars (especially cars, gah I hate drawing cars). There's a bit of a shine due to the light being reflected by the graphite pencil. Sorry about that, please bare with me on the quality of the photo.

"Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
Just run with me through rows of speeding cars
The papercuts, the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there, baby
It's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now, darling
Oh, don't lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah"

- Speeding Cars, Imogen Heap.


Allow me some time to explain the entire motive behind this drawing. If you care enough to read about a serious subject that is often overlooked, please continue reading.

This girl is standing in the middle of traffic. She is in immediate danger, and yet no one is going to help her. She's on her own. It seems somewhat obvious that she is standing in the middle of the road, raw in the danger of being hit. And yet none of the people in the cars care to look and see that she even exists. The girl seems to have willingly thrown herself into this situation, otherwise she could easily escape it (step onto the sidewalk).

In case it isn't apparent, this drawing was meant to target the subjects of depression and suicide.

Suicide is something that is so easily overlooked and unnoticed. People generally accept it as something that "just happens" and there's nothing that can be done about it. Or that depression is "being hormonal" or "whiny" or that the person with depression is a brat who needs to get used to the real world. Some people even think that depression is a tool used to gain attention from others.
...I'm not just making this up. This is actually how some people think.

The people who think "depression is a tool to gain attention" are horribly, horribly wrong. Clearly, it's not getting very much attention, so this is the last thing people should use in order to gain attention. Anyone who shows signs of depression needs some help. Or even just some support. A friend. Anything.

Suicide, unfortunately, is something that people never actually consider until it's been done. And once it's been done, it cannot be undone. They think "they wouldn't do that" or that they know the person better than that. And suddenly they're gone.
In this drawing, the spontaneity of the girl flinging herself into traffic is symbolic of how people can just off themselves so easily without warning. It's scary.

I intended to write more, but right now I'm just tired and a little sick, so perhaps I will revisit this post.

As for a final statement: Please, try to be aware of your surroundings. You never know when depression may strike someone you love. If you're not careful, you might end up losing them due to pure ignorance. It's no laughing matter.

Thanks,
- Dawnne