Check yoself.

Hi.
I'm Dawnne.
We've met by now, hopefully. And if we have not, let me start off by saying that I'm a very nervous person.
This post is about what I refer to as my psychological struggle and how I've dealt with it over the years. I'm dedicating this post to my friend who is currently going through something similar, and who I sincerely hope will benefit from learning about this the way I have.

I've been dealing with depression for nearly a decade now. A long time. Especially when you consider I'm not even 18 yet (2 months, people). When I was in elementary school, of course, I didn't understand that I was experiencing depression; I simply thought it was in my personality to be quieter and more secluded from the rest of children my age. I didn't have many friends growing up--none that really stuck with me for a while, anyway. I was simply never a popular person, and I think that's okay.
Regardless of my popularity, I always struggled with self-esteem. I never thought I was especially pretty, or incredibly smart, and that I was slightly weird. Later I realized that it wasn't exactly that I wasn't pretty or smart, it was that other people were prettier and smarter. That was probably the first time that I realized my biggest fear in life: not being good enough.
Today I finished public school forever. No going back. I'm probably never going to see half of them again. Which is good, in my opinion. Maybe I'll finally stop comparing myself to them.
The depression I experience comes in waves. I'll be fine for months on end, without experiencing hardly any negative emotions, but then dive into a very bad, dark place in which I contemplate suicide and wish to die...and that can go on for just as long. The thing about my depressions is that I pretend they don't exist. I don't want people to know how badly I'm hurting, because then they'll feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for me? Fuck, I don't want pity. I want help.

The anxiety problems didn't come in until about 2 years ago. It started with something simple: balancing work and school. This was the first year when I had a part-time job along with going to school. I handled this surprisingly well. I experienced hardly any trouble. In fact, I was surprised by myself.
And then it hit me. Suddenly I was paranoid and worried about everything. I thought one small thing would lead to eventual devastation. It didn't take long before these kinds of thoughts infiltrated every square inch of my mind. I started doing things out of fear instead of doing them out of habit. I hate change. I can't stand it when something is different from the way I got used to it.
This is about the time that I started into psychology. I studied GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) as a class project, and realized how shockingly alike I was to this disorder. In fact, to this day, the only symptoms I do not experience on an almost-daily basis are the eating and sleeping habits. Before this time, I had never considered that I might be an anxious person. I knew I had problems with depression, but I knew those were different things.
Later, I noticed I also experience several obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Not all of them, like with GAD, but OCD was also likely for me.

With all of this going on inside my head, it drove me to eventual insanity. I practically begged my mom to take me to a psychiatrist so I could be evaluated by a professional, but each time it was always the same thing: "You're just being a teenager, everyone goes through this." "Are you on your period? It's probably your hormones." "I worry about things, too, you know. It's part of growing up." "You have it so much better than a lot of other people. What could you be so upset about?" (this one pissed me off the most)
And eventually I got this: "The insurance won't pay for a psychiatrist, anyway."
That really struck something with me. It hurt. Unbelievably bad. My mom cared more about money than she did my mental health.
I got so sick of being misunderstood and so tired of my mom trivializing what I was feeling, and how she made it all seem like it wasn't real or that it was normal...I knew it wasn't normal. It can't be. Regardless, I plunged into a frightening depression in which I attempted to kill myself, but failed. I was quiet for a while and didn't mention it to anyone, even though there was one person who I was sure knew about it. He never said anything, though. I'm sure he was never even worried, like he thought I was joking or that I wouldn't actually do it (watch me try). The fact that no one knew I was hurting, or cared that I had tried to kill myself only made me feel worse, if that was possible.
I don't know what it was that finally brought me out of that depression, but whatever it was, I'm glad it happened. Who knows what might've happened if I didn't get better. I might have attempted suicide again and perhaps succeeded this time.

After recovering, I realized that my anxiety and depression are something that's just simply part of my life, regardless of what caused it or why I have it. Even if I "cure" it, it won't go away completely and forever. I think this realization really helped me take a big step to recovery. Acceptance. I accepted that it exists. And because of that, I feel like I'm resisting it less, causing less of a strain.
For anyone who believes they are suffering from a mental disorder such as anxiety or depression, I encourage you to consider how much it impacts your life. After that, understand that this might be a permanent condition that might go away for a while and come back sometimes. It's not what attention-starved 13-year-olds on the internet glorify it to be. It's not fun. It's not a game. It's just...pain, in every sense of the word. I don't understand why some people go around bragging about it. By doing that, those people are only trivializing the suffering of people who really are hurting, and it's making it hard for those people to get the help they need. However, I do think that every suicide threat should be taken seriously.

Since I am unable to seek treatment from a psychiatrist at the moment, I'm left with self-diagnosis and self-therapy. It's really the only effort I can make to help myself get better. And honestly, I believe it's working. At least a little bit.
Many people dismiss self-diagnosis and self-therapy as laughable things that don't work. This is because often times, people self-diagnose incorrectly and then somehow end up causing a problem about it. But when done in a proper way, self-diagnosis is actually a really helpful tool, especially when one finally gets the chance to speak to a professional: the patient can simply say "I believe I'm dealing with ____" and the professional can have a springboard of where to start.

As for self-therapy, I know it might seem silly to some people, but I believe that my hobbies, particularly writing and knitting, are really helping to relieve my anxiety in a healthier, more productive way. It gives me something real to focus on, rather than imaginary fears that most likely will not happen.
I've started doing breathing exercises, and they've started working for me when I'm in an especially panicked mood.
I've been advised by someone with a psych degree to also study meditation and certain Buddhist philosophies, which I will certainly do when I have the time.

All in all, the whole self-help concept is really helpful for those who feel like they're trapped with no means of getting better on their own. Self-help is also the number-one remedy for anxiety disorders, anyway, even if you do get help from a psychologist/psychiatrist. :P
Why is that? Because anxiety almost always relates to the way you view and interpret things. This is something that only you can truly understand, and therefore only you can really be the cure for yourself.

I hope I've been motivational and perhaps even inspirational to those out there who might be hurting without speaking a word. Please consider these things, even if for a second. I wish the best of luck to all of those anonymous eyes behind the screens reading this post.

A Guide to Lucid Dreaming

I found this today:

Very little of this is true.

If you believe that any of this will make you lucid dream, chances are you are not very familiar with dreams and how they work.

Lucid dreaming is when the dreamer is aware that he/she is asleep. This allows him/her to control what happens in his/her dream.

Dreams only happen during the final stage of sleep known as Rapid Eye Movement (REM). The average sleep cycle is 90 minutes long. It takes between 45-60 minutes to reach REM. Unless you have been deprived of sleep for a longer amount of time than is healthy, you cannot reach REM in less than 30 minutes (and even if you have been deprived of sleep for an unhealthy amount of time, you probably won't reach REM, anyway, and will instead stay in stage 4, the deepest part of the sleep cycle).

Second of all, no one can "begin lucid dreaming on the first attempt." Lucid dreaming is quite a long, arduous process which requires effort. It requires dream journals, alarm clocks in the middle of the night, a strong sense of self-awareness and many other factors that can't possibly be formed in one night.

In short, all this will do is give you a headache, and waste thirty minutes of your time. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there is no shortcut to learning how to lucid dream.

Now, if you would like a more accurate guide on how to lucid dream, continue reading.
Please note that I am not [yet] a trained, licensed professional. I'm basing this guide from experience and what I have learned about dreams.

First of all, you should figure out why you want to lucid dream. Is it because you want to know yourself better? Is it because you want to escape the waking world? Do you just want to brag to your friends that you can do it? No matter what it is, it's always good to know your real reason.

Then, you must regulate your sleep cycle. This means strict bedtimes and waking times. It might be difficult at first, but after a few weeks of sticking to the same sleep schedule, it should become a regular, normal thing for you.

Start keeping a dream journal. Keep it next to your bed at all times. Immediately when you wake up, write down your first thoughts. Try not to write in clear sentences; focus purely on your immediate thoughts and write down important key words.

After you have kept a dream journal for a significant amount of time, you should notice that it's becoming easier for you to remember your dreams. This is very important when lucid dreaming.

Now that remembering dreams is a piece of cake, you're ready to start focusing your attention on actually having lucid dreams.

Set an alarm clock to go off exactly 90 minutes after you are scheduled to be asleep. This will wake you up just as you are finishing your dream, therefore making it easier for you to recall more details from that dream. Record this in your dream journal and go back to sleep, with an alarm set for another 90 minutes after this. Repeat this until your scheduled waking time. Continue doing this every night until you have accumulated a large amount of details in your dream journal.

Read through your dream journal. Make mental notes about repeating patterns, such as a certain person, or clothes you're wearing, or a location you visit, in your dreams. Once you have noticed a pattern, you will now be able to understand what you are likely thinking about in your sleep.

Now that you are able to recognize when you are dreaming, having a lucid dream should not be much of a problem. You should be so well-acquainted with your sleep/dream cycle that your mind should automatically know when you're dreaming and when you're awake.

Your first successful attempt at lucid dreaming will most likely be short. This is because it has surprised you that you are able to do it, and you will startle yourself awake. Staying asleep is a learned process, and with continued practice, lucid dreaming will become easy for you.


I know it's a lengthy process, but many people find it to be an easy way to learn more about yourself. You'll be able to remember things that you can't during waking hours. You'll finally understand why you keep dreaming about that one person. There are more benefits to this ability, and you will learn these as you continue dreaming lucidly.

Have fun, and sweet dreams! :)

No Art School. Ever.

You heard me rightly.

So I kind of made the most important decision of my life. I'd been thinking about it for at least a year, but kept swirling it around my head just so I wouldn't rush to conclusions or make up my mind too quickly.

For the last three years, I've wanted to attend art school after I graduated. This will not be happening anymore. Why? I realized I want to be a Psychologist. Like, a clinical psychologist. A therapist, essentially.
I think this will work so much better for me than being an artist ever would. For one, art has a way of stressing me out. A lot of people would say this is ironic. Whatever. I just feel so pressured to work on my art, and if I don't improve, then shame on me, I am a horrible person. It used to be fun, sure, but that was when I was a retarded 14-year-old weeaboo who knew nothing about art other than pseudo-anime drawings with disgusting bodies and proportions. Now it's just "You have to keep up the good work and produce nothing but masterpieces forever." Even if I continue improving with my artwork, I will never be good enough for my own standards. It's just too much pressure. I'll collapse if I keep this up.

So I've done the research and gotten the information. I'll start applying to schools in a matter of days, and I'll put Psychology as my projected major. I realize I'll end up spending 7 years in college (along with all the financial costs of said college X_x), but I strongly believe it will be worth it for me.
Psychology has always fascinated me. Everything from dreams to drugs to Sigmund Freud (Frood). I believe I'll do more good as a therapist than I would as a graphic designer or an animator of some kind. Mental illness is something that I care very strongly about, and as a Psychologist, I would actually be making an effort to help those people who are suffering from them.

I'm truly doing it for the love of Psychology. Yes, I really am so passionate that I would dedicate my life to it.

So, unfortunately for the few who enjoy my art: My days as an artist are coming to an eventual end. I'll probably still do a little bit of art on the side, but I am no longer seeking it as a career option.

Thank you for supporting me. I appreciate every little bit of it.